Sunday, May 01, 2005

i want to scream out loud!!!
i cant take it lying down anymore.. how come this is hppning ot me again. in the exact same manner, by e exact same person. J says i nv learn my lesson. there's something with my prode tt i juz cant put down. tt's why i kept getting entangled in this whole stupid issue. it's neva ending. i want to hve a start. but nw it's ending. i dun even noe wat i'm typing now. i hate myself. i guess it's e fate of a 2 timer. i wonder if there's anything i can do to mke myself feel better.
J says tt i shld alreayd start planning wat i rreally want. there's no pt in starting a r/s whn u noe tt it'll not last and there's no promise of eternity. i recalled. tt's wat J told me back thn whn we started. there was already an end placed there.
i dun get it. i really dun. wks ago. exchanges of sweet love and words of nothings. but now. there's really nothing. refusal to contact. that's wat F does best. i'm angry. i'm angry cos e promise is not kept. i'm angry cos i'm the one who's feeling alot of pain. i'm sure he's feeling alot of pain as well. perhaps he is facing some family pressure. perhaps his conscience is pricked and he realised that by doing this with me, he's juz hurting more and more ppl ard him who truly care for him. but i care for him as well. although i'm not able to sustain this r/s with sufficient monetary terms. i wan to. but i cant. i hve to admit that i'm juz not financially independent wat. i'm not even holding a job. wat can i do?! perhaps if i end off everytihng rite now i can hav emore time to do alot of things that i wanted to do. but it may also mean tt i've to start a whole new life. wat to do on my wkends. i'm sure i can find someone to go out with and someone to tok to. but the feeling is juz different. this feeling is not fantastic. i want my F. really. i want to hve my F back. he's not the best. but i really do miss him. crazy me!!!
i hve someone now. beside me . he's nice. he's gentle n he attends to my needs. he's the best anyone can wish for now. but i guess that the damage once done cannot be undone. i'm juz so confused with my life now. the situation now is whereby i imagine. i knew that if i break up with the current person, i will end up with nothing at all. cos i noe F wun be there for long. perhaps i'm juz a toy to him. i lvoe him and i really miss him but i guess nothing can be done abt it.
sometimes i really hate myself. if guys arent cheaters they are gays. that's wat J told me. ha i hate myself.
why am i doing all these things to hurt everyone ard me!?!?!? i want to kill myself? but i told myself i cant be so selfish. i hve live thr it once. but i hope i can do it again. i noe that by doing wat i intend to do, i will hurt alot of ppl in the way. but i've to do it earlier than to do it any later. perhaps the damage will be lessened?

 D.A.  flew at 11:52 PM